B e a u t i f u l drawing by our cousin Vince Lundin
It's been a while since I've woken up crying.
Since I've had such a vivid dream.
Wes and I were together in a huge house filled with people. Some family, others not. In the dream Wes was healthy, fully functional, fully himself. But we both knew he was dying. After several irrational dream sequences, we were alone together in a room. The noise of the crowded house flooded in from two open doors. Wes gave me a card. Scrawled on the front, in his utterly recognizable writing, were the words, "Open on June 1st." In my dream, tears coursed down my cheeks and familiar hurt welled in my heart. I squeezed my eyes shut. "I just want to run away," I whispered to him.
I don't ever say irrational things like that to anyone.
I only ever said irrational things like that to Wes.
In the dream, Wes viewed my emotion with concerned quietness, walked to one of the side doors and pulled it gently closed. I knew he'd close the other door too. And then he'd come to me. And I'd cry on his chest. And he'd gently rock me side to side and say something that would make me laugh through my tears.
But I woke up to my wet pillow before he got to me.
I stumbled to my sink and flipped on the light. Mascara was smeared on my cheek. I'd fallen asleep without washing my face.
Our evening had been busy. After two hours of visiting teaching with Lucy and Spencer in tow, I made macaroni and cheese and frozen peas for dinner, turned on a little Christmas music (which I'm tolerating easier with each passing day) and opened the box of Walmart lights we'd purchased for our recently assembled Christmas tree. The first strand went on nicely, but when we plugged in the second strand, nothing. I twisted a few lights here and there to no avail. Lucy and Spencer watched with disappointment. I cheerfully asked them, do you know what happens when one tiny Christmas light stops working?"
???
"All the rest stop working too!"
I proceeded to flesh out the analogy and relate it to life and relationships. The children listened happily and Lucy responded correctly and eagerly to all of my questions.
"I'll see if I can find the one little light we need to fix after you go to bed," I told them, thinking I'd salvaged the situation pretty well. I was turning to unplug the lights when Lucy said, "Mom I want to read you something!" She dashed away and returned with the box that had housed all of our little colored lights. She held it to up to me and read aloud while tracing the words,
IF ONE BULB BURNS OUT, THE REST STAY LIT
Oh. Right. I laughed and laughed, and amended my lesson with
something not at all astute. I told Lucy and her brother that we'd trade the lights for new ones tomorrow and that it was time for jammies.
Attired in our sleepwear, we snuggled up for our nightly advent scripture about the Savior.
Isaiah 53: 3-5
"He is despised and rejected of men; a man of sorrows, and acquainted with grief...Surely he hath borne our griefs, and carried our sorrows... the chastisement of our peace was upon him; and with his stripes we are healed."
I thought of those words when I woke from my dream in the night. I thought of Kenneth Cope's beautiful song:
Man of Sorrows
Man of grief
First believed
Then betrayed
Thou who knows me
Friend most sure
Man of counsel
Help me to endure
Kind of mercy
Lord of love
Ease the way
Calm the storm...
Thou, dear Lord has passed below it all
Felt all pain, every help withdrawn,
That thou may have mercy
Have mercy
Help me
Come to me
Source of Comfort
Prince of Peace
Fear's relief
Faith's reward...
I am grateful for the birth and life and atonement of Jesus Christ.
I am grateful for His overwhelming encounter with sorrow that I might know a more bearable grief, that we all might find relief from the wounds and burdens of mortality.
I'm grateful for all of you wonderful family members and friends who care for me with such genuine, consistent, Christlike love. You remind me of that advertisement on Lucy's box,
I am grateful for the brightness you bring into my life on difficult days!
Much love and Merry Christmastime wishes to you all!
22 comments:
Oh Lori, of course this brought tears to my eyes. As hard as this Christmas probably is for you (impossible for me to know how hard), I'm glad you're able to find in it the strength and comfort that comes from our Savior Jesus Christ. (And I love that your little lesson on light bulbs ended with Lucy very kindly correcting you on the particular bulbs you had bought--I feel like that sort of thing happens to me constantly.) I love you dear friend!
Oh Lori, I'm so sorry for the grief you are experiencing. I've been thinking about you a lot, and praying that you'll have comfort, especially at Christmas.
Will you send me your new address? And also your e-mail address? Mine is still ilovepaulduersch at gmail. Thanks, Lori!
I love this post, and all of your posts. I truly feel for you and your little family. Thank you for sharing your life lessons and your testimony so bravely.
I also love the idea of an advent scripture every night. Did you choose the scriptures yourself, or was there an idea online somewhere you got them from? If there is a list online, I would love to get it from you.
Merry Christmas! Thank you for your honest posts.
Oh Lori I love you. I love that you find teaching moments in every day things.... and I smiled that Lucy corrected you. I've been thinking and praying for you during this holiday season.
ps. To comment on your comment on my blog.. I'm glad that we took that Nauvoo trip also. We need to get together again so our little ones have more recent memories of each other!
So you started this post with a title that I'd like to respond to. Yes! You should really post some of these things you write. I'm glad that you even write them. I believe there is a bit of healing when you take deep emotions and put them into words. You have a skill to share your life in a very poetic way and yet explaining your reality. This is your life, this are your struggles and I believe it is important for them to be stored for your children to read later. I love you Lori and I wish I could bring light to all of your dark moments. Because I can't and don't, I'm grateful that you have family and friends who do.
Lori, I love you and wish I could be closer to you guys. You constantly are seeing the good in everything despite the hard times. Let me know if you are going to be in the Bountiful area at all this month, we would love to see you!
I'm always glad when you post about good times and bad. I get a boost to my testimony either way. Thanks for doing it, even when it must be so hard!
What a beautiful post Lori! I wish the holidays can bring your comfort, even when they're so hard and lonely. Thank you for shining your light through this blog. It never ceases to enlighten my life!
The first picture you posted is absolutely beautiful! I am thinking of you so often during these holidays; they are hard times to be missing dear loved ones.
And PLEASE will you let us have your kids come play with my kids next time you go visiting teaching? My kids would LOVE it...and so would I!
Dear Lori, Your blog is so touching and your posts are so beautiful. You are such an amazing person. I love and admire you.
Lori, I am strengthened and lifted by each of your posts. Thank you for sharing your experiences and thoughts. Ben sometimes has vivid dreams of his mom. He treasures those dreams, those precious moments to "be with his mom". Thanks again for sharing. We love you.
Lori, thanks so much for sharing your moments with us. I love each and every post. I'm so glad we get to see you for Christmas! When are you coming?
Lori, on the contrary...when WE burn out...YOU are the one that stays lit...and thank you for that.
I am so glad that we could be there today...and get those lights switched out so that they are ALL back on...with heat to boot!!!
We had the best time THANK YOU for letting us come visit!!
I have been thinking about you a lot this holiday Lori. I'm sure it is not easy. You are such a great mom to Lucy and Spencer. We love you tons...
it's amy...;)
"dreams are the wish your heart makes . ."and one bright day they will come true. Thanks for sharing your tears and your light. Love you.
Love you, dear friend. Thanks for the reminder that the Light of the world is always lit. But we wouldn.t notice if we didn.t have dark days.
Lori, I love the song "Man of Sorrows" so much. Are you surprised? No? :) Love you. Miss you. Amen to Megan's comment. Praying for blessings for you, my friend.
Oh please post all of the things you think to write! I pray frequently that this month will be a happy one for you. I can only imagine the pain with your anniversary so close to Christmas. I'm glad you're feeling all the love that so many have for you. And isn't wonderful to have a child that can read :)
You're a light and joy to us all.
Lori you have the sweetest outlook on life and each time I read your words I am reminded to love my kids more each day and enjoy those little things a bit more. I knew Wes in HighSchool. Your story just makes my heart ache. I am so sorry for your loss. During this time of year I'm sure it is difficult. The Lord will continue to bless you and your amazing efforts as a mother to your beautiful children. Thank you for opening your heart and sharing how you feel. I pray that you will soon find that peace in your heart that our Savior want you to feel. Merry Christmas.
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