I have a dear friend. Many of you know her and love her the way I do. She’s on my mind a lot. I think about her when I feel like my life isn’t going the way I want or the way I planned. She and her husband haven’t yet been able to have children – although they want to start a family. I asked her once to write down a few of her thoughts on faith. Her words are truly inspiring to me. And...happy day!...An e-mail I received 1.3 seconds ago indicates that she has just started a blog! Lucy LOVES "Uncle Ryan" and "Aunt Amy"
Here's a taste of my friend:
Thoughts on Faith-Amy Fitzgibbons
2= the number of years my husband and I have tried unsuccessfully to have a baby. 3= Number of Mother’s Days I’ve had to endure as a wife but not a mother. 8= the number of months I’ve popped pills on days 5-9. 12=The number of ultrasounds I’ve received of my follicles, but not a baby. 22=Number of pregnancy announcements I’ve heard from my friends and family in the last 2 years. Infinite= number of tears shed and prayers uttered.
My life was always so easy. Everything I ever wanted was handed to me on a silver platter. The most difficult questions I ever faced before age 18 were who was going to ask me to the prom and whether or not I would get into BYU. It wasn’t until the last 2 years that I have discovered what people mean when they talk about trials and asking the Lord “why?”
Besides my own infertility problems, I have witnessed loved ones in the past few years struggle with deaths, miscarriages, addictions, teenage pregnancy, homosexuality, cancer, widowhood, downs syndrome, early labor, etc. etc. It has been one of the hardest things in my life to watch these loved ones suffer.
It would be easy to surrender to these things and give up. It would be easy to “curse God and die.” I know that I have had moments when that sounded like a tempting suggestion. Like at an enrichment meeting when three size-2 moms were comparing their baby weight and their pregnancies and my size-12 infertile self wanted to scream, “You have no idea how lucky you are!” Or when my sister in law called to announce her happy baby news and all I had to report on was that I’d finished a new book. Or when every sister in the ward tells me I am “so lucky to be able to do whatever I want before I have children.”
But then I remember Amy, who after expensive surgery lost her baby in the 4th month. Or Mary who couldn’t stop her early labor. Or Annie, who after 7 years and thousands of dollars is still childless. Or Jen, whose 18 month old Abigail died unexpectedly. Or Laura whose 2 year old son fell out of a 2 story window and died. Not to mention pioneers like Emma Smith, who, after burying several children, bravely sent her husband off to die as a martyr. And I think, who am I to complain? I have been so blessed. I couldn’t do what those strong women have done.
And I know that they could not have done those things alone. I know more than ever that the Lord sends us incredible blessings and miracles. Sometimes they come in the form of a whisper that says, “I am not doing this to you as a punishment.” Sometimes they come in the form of a poignant CD sent in the mail by a friend. Sometimes they come in the form of a beautiful priesthood blessing. Sometimes they come through an impression that those who love you really are praying for you. Sometimes they come when an inspired Relief Society president assigns you to visit teach all the childless sisters in the ward. Often they come through the service of great women who themselves endure trials and heartaches. It is mostly by observing the trials of the great women in my life that I have come to realize what faith is.
What does living by faith mean to me? It means knowing that no matter what obstacle stands in front of you, the Lord in His infinite wisdom leads and guides you to the path that He wants you to be on. Never in a million years would I have thought that I would be childless. But neither would I have ever envisioned opportunities to serve as the YW president, or to travel the world with my husband. As I reflect on my life, I know that the Lord has been with me every step of the way-even when I have screamed “This is too much!” at Him. Even if I never do have children, I have faith that my life will be exactly what the Lord intended it to be.
Faith is not never questioning or never suffering. But faith is believing that the Lord suffers with you, and then brings the calm that always comes after the storm.2= the number of years my husband and I have tried unsuccessfully to have a baby. 3= Number of Mother’s Days I’ve had to endure as a wife but not a mother. 8= the number of months I’ve popped pills on days 5-9. 12=The number of ultrasounds I’ve received of my follicles, but not a baby. 22=Number of pregnancy announcements I’ve heard from my friends and family in the last 2 years. Infinite= number of tears shed and prayers uttered.
My life was always so easy. Everything I ever wanted was handed to me on a silver platter. The most difficult questions I ever faced before age 18 were who was going to ask me to the prom and whether or not I would get into BYU. It wasn’t until the last 2 years that I have discovered what people mean when they talk about trials and asking the Lord “why?”
Besides my own infertility problems, I have witnessed loved ones in the past few years struggle with deaths, miscarriages, addictions, teenage pregnancy, homosexuality, cancer, widowhood, downs syndrome, early labor, etc. etc. It has been one of the hardest things in my life to watch these loved ones suffer.
It would be easy to surrender to these things and give up. It would be easy to “curse God and die.” I know that I have had moments when that sounded like a tempting suggestion. Like at an enrichment meeting when three size-2 moms were comparing their baby weight and their pregnancies and my size-12 infertile self wanted to scream, “You have no idea how lucky you are!” Or when my sister in law called to announce her happy baby news and all I had to report on was that I’d finished a new book. Or when every sister in the ward tells me I am “so lucky to be able to do whatever I want before I have children.”
But then I remember Amy, who after expensive surgery lost her baby in the 4th month. Or Mary who couldn’t stop her early labor. Or Annie, who after 7 years and thousands of dollars is still childless. Or Jen, whose 18 month old Abigail died unexpectedly. Or Laura whose 2 year old son fell out of a 2 story window and died. Not to mention pioneers like Emma Smith, who, after burying several children, bravely sent her husband off to die as a martyr. And I think, who am I to complain? I have been so blessed. I couldn’t do what those strong women have done.
And I know that they could not have done those things alone. I know more than ever that the Lord sends us incredible blessings and miracles. Sometimes they come in the form of a whisper that says, “I am not doing this to you as a punishment.” Sometimes they come in the form of a poignant CD sent in the mail by a friend. Sometimes they come in the form of a beautiful priesthood blessing. Sometimes they come through an impression that those who love you really are praying for you. Sometimes they come when an inspired Relief Society president assigns you to visit teach all the childless sisters in the ward. Often they come through the service of great women who themselves endure trials and heartaches. It is mostly by observing the trials of the great women in my life that I have come to realize what faith is.
What does living by faith mean to me? It means knowing that no matter what obstacle stands in front of you, the Lord in His infinite wisdom leads and guides you to the path that He wants you to be on. Never in a million years would I have thought that I would be childless. But neither would I have ever envisioned opportunities to serve as the YW president, or to travel the world with my husband. As I reflect on my life, I know that the Lord has been with me every step of the way-even when I have screamed “This is too much!” at Him. Even if I never do have children, I have faith that my life will be exactly what the Lord intended it to be.
I can number my trials. But the miracles I have witnessed because of them? Those are numberless.
7 comments:
All I have to say is that my friends--you all know who you are--are amazing! I'm so blessed to have you as friends.
I don't understand computers sometimes. Anyway, that post should have been from me--my friend was still logged into her gmail account, so somehow the post showed up with her name. And then I tried to delete it, but that didn't work. Sigh . . .
I needed to read that today. Thank you!
KAYLA! I'm so happy to see your comment! That makes my day! How are you friend?
Lori, thanks so much for asking Amy to share this wisdom... and Amy, you have really inspired me by your strength of faith in the face of suffering. I love especially what you said about the Lord suffering with us and comforting us through the storms in our lives. May your wise words and beauty of character touch all who reads this post!
I know this was written over 6 months ago, but it's almost like it was written for me. On a day when I most needed to hear that I am not being punished even though my desire of being pregnant has not happened yet again, I found the comfort I needed. Amy I don't know you, but thank you. You are an example to me. You have endured many months while I have only endured 3 months, and even though I didn't endure them very well. Thanks for being an answer to the prayer I uttered and sobbed through just a few hours ago. My prayers are with you, now, too.
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