Across the Sky

 

 

It's well documented on this blog that I fell in love with Wes during fall semester of our freshman year at BYU.  I could fill a book with memories of those few months.  Simple memories.  But remarkably vivid.  Maybe because we rehearsed them together so often all the years of our marriage.  Or maybe because our current relationship feels, in many ways, like it did then.  Close, but veiled.   

 

I remember walking near the bell tower with Wes and a few other friends one twilight in late December that year.  I remember the rich panorama of deep blue, sprinkled with a few early stars.  The darkness of the sky was brightened by the moon and the white of Provo's snowy mountains.

"I love the sky when it's this color,"  I said quietly to no one in particular. I remember that Wes smiled and nodded and looked long at me while I looked long at the sky. 

Another evening that December found us and a handful of friends in the kitchen of my apartment listening to a CD on my roommate's stereo.  My friend at another college had recently emailed about about a Shawn Colvin song* she liked, and I wanted to hear it. 

Today we took a walk up the street
Picked a flower, climbed the hill
Above the lake...

I remember my eyes absent-mindedly tracking the room as we all silently listened. I remember scanning past the boys sitting on the blue couch and suddenly encountering Wes's direct gaze - warm, intentional - quietly fixed on me from under his handsome, furrowed brow.

And I never saw blue like that before
Across the sky,
Around the world...

I met his earnest eyes for as long as I dared before smiling (barely) and looking away.

I can't believe a month ago, I was alone
I didn't know you, I hadn't seen you
Or heard your name
And even now, I'm so amazed
It's like a dream,
it's like a rainbow
It's like the rain
 
I remembered that song - that moment - all through Wes's mission. Certainly there were times I doubted his regard for me. I didn't want to be unrealistic. I didn't want to get my hopes up too high. And there were other relationships that kept me distracted and uncertain about what the future would hold. But I couldn't forget that moment in our kitchen, listening to Shawn Colvin on Mer's stereo. I couldn't explain away the affection in Wes's eyes that night. 

And some things are the way they are
And words just can't explain

And I never saw blue like that before

When he was home from Norway, I remember hesitantly bringing up the memory.  "I remember once you were at our apartment," I started casually, "when we listened to a new song Michelle had -"
"I remember,"  he interrupted with a smile and those same earnest eyes.

And it feels like now
And it feels always
And it feels like coming home

We were married ten years ago, December 21.  Winter Solstice.  Wes was always pleased with the date. "Longest night of the year,"  he'd tease me quietly, and then wait for me to smile and blush before kissing me soundly. 

I still love these December evenings, when winter's early twilight paints the sky my favorite color.

 

 

"Amid the winter's cold embrace," I can still feel the warmth of Wes's gaze, fixed with love on me and our children. 

And some things are the way they are
And words just can't explain

And I never saw blue like that before
Across the sky, around the world
You've given me all you have and more
And no one else has ever shown me how
To see the world, the way I see it now
Oh I, I never saw blue like that before

But I know Wes isn't only watching after us.  I have long loved Antoine de Saint Exupery's words, that love does not consist just in "gazing at each other, but in looking together in the same direction." 

 

And my heart breaks with gratitude to know where to look. 

**What tho' my joys and comforts die?
The Lord my Saviour liveth;
What tho' the darkness gather round?
Songs in the night he giveth.

No storm can shake my inmost calm
While to that refuge clinging;
Since Christ is Lord of heaven and earth,
 How can I keep from singing?

I lift my eyes; the cloud grows thin;
I see the blue above it...

And I never saw blue like that before
Across the sky, around the world

Happy Anniversary, Wes.
MERRY CHRISTMAS, Friends!

*I Never Saw Blue Like That lyrics by Shawn Colvin
**How Can I Keep From Singing by Robert Lowry